Body-con dresses: I am too womanly and fertile i.e. pear-shaped and pot-bellied.
Palazzo trousers: particularly sad as they look so darned comfortable.
Neon pink lipstick: emphasises that weird patch on my chin that's a different colour to the rest of my face.
High-waisted jeans: see 'Body-con dresses' above.
Beanies: in fact, any hat. Or headband. My face needs to be mostly obscured by hair to be at all presentable. This can create problems in the winter - maybe a balaclava might be the solution.
Sexy lingerie: makes me look cheap, however expensive it is.
Cropped t-shirts: see 'Body-con dresses' above.
Pink, purple or red eye-shadow: makes me look like I've been in a fight / crying / have conjunctivitis / all of the above.
Those adorable plaits above one's head like a German milk-maid: try as I might, and believe me I do, I can never get these to look good. It is the thing about me that most disappoints my mother.
Bikinis: see 'Body-con dresses' above.
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